OutNotes.com

I sit here with tears rolling down my face, because I have lost my world of 3 years because I am trapped in a closet. It's four o clock in the morning and I can't sleep because I'm thinking of how to get my girl back. I have tried everything, except the one thing she wants...which is to acknowledge our love. She is out and proud to everyone, and I am in the closet and a heterosexual to all who knows me...even though I have been in a monogomous lesbian relationship for the past 3 years and four months. She is my world, my everything, she has always been there for me...I have denied her in all circles (family, work). I have not attended her work functions because of fear of being seen by someone who knows me or my family and will know that I am gay. I have been having sexual relationships with females seriously for the past 10 years, but refuses to identify myself as being gay or even bisexual.

Tonight I did though, I admitted to myself that I was GAY !!!!! I admitted it to myself. I am willing to let everyone know if it means getting my girl back...but I know I have been selfish, I know I have done her wrong. But I am such a COWARD! I am financially able to support myself, so I need no one..I am educated, intelligent, and well spoken, then why can't I feel confident with who I am? My girl and I were planning on buying a house, having kids. Her thing is she is tired of being the GAY BESTFRIEND. She is tired of putting her clothes in the storage closet when my parents visit, she is tired of not being introduced by me. She came by my house last night, and their were messages from another...she says she hasn't moved on, and she loves me endlessly (which I do not doubt), but she just cannot live her life in denial. My girl asked a question of "what will our kids call me?" "IF you were to die, who would get our kids?" I want to come out, I am an adult, I am financially secure, then why am I scared? Why do I make up stories of being in a wonderful married relationship with a man to coworkers and friends? All the while really referring to the things me and my girl did, done, or is going to do? I LOVE MY GIRL WITH ALL MY HEART, BUT I AM AFRAID THAT MY FAMILY WILL DISOWN ME..AND I LOVE MY FAMILY AND HOLD THE CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE DEARLY.

I AM A LESBIAN THAT IS INLOVE WITH A WONDERFUL WOMAN WHO WOULD GIVE THE WORLD TO ME...BUT I HAVE LOST HER BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF WHO I AM, AND ASHAMED OF WHAT WE HAVE.

I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HER.....

BUT I'M AFRAID IT MIGHT BE TOO LATE....

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